


Drowning In You

by PamKayke



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Humor, Awkward Flirting, Awkwardness, Bullying, Coffee, Drowning, Fear of Abandonment, Fear of Death, Genital Piercing, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love at First Sight, M/M, Nipple Piercings, Piercings, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Tattoos, fear of being alone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-03-07 16:26:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18876862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PamKayke/pseuds/PamKayke
Summary: Changkyun is pretty broken. His life is very much clouded by things in his past. He doesn't really know how to exist without them. His best friend, Jooheon is always there to help but even he couldn't save Changkyun from an abusive relationship. After three years Jooheon managed to help him get out and they both agreed to never discuss the topic again.Living his life the best way he knew how, Changkyun never expected things to change or to fall in love with someone he never spoke to. Never would he have guessed that boy could be the one thing he needed to break free from his past that bound him.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dyslexic, there will be misspellings.  
> This is not my first au fic but for all intents and purposes, lets call it that.  
> It can take me a while to write so be patient. Chapter length will vary, as we go things will probably be more involved and yield longer chapters.  
> Tell me what you think! I like criticism.

* * *

     The feeling of being held under never went away; heavy hands on my head and shoulders, keeping me under. My breath trying to escape but I couldn't let it. I couldn't scream or cry or struggle. I knew I was close to the end. The death I always wanted right before me and I could do nothing to fight it. I wanted to end the misery but not this way. I always wanted to end things my way, on my terms but that feeling of being held under water never went away.

    I don't know when things changed for me, or why, really. One day I looked up and he was there in front of me. As much as I tried to ignore him, he never went away. A mosquito in the summer heat, out for blood. Blood he knew he would get. Maybe he was there at the right time. As annoying as I thought he was, maybe he was the one to save me. From my demons and from myself; though I honestly never had that much a grasp on myself. He seemed to know.

    He seemed to always know, even when I never did. Slowly, that feeling of being held under water started to dissipate. I didn't even notice it. How could I? It was strange and I couldn't see it. Maybe it was too late when I finally did. Maybe I wanted it to be too late; maybe I didn't want things to go back to normal. But I could still feel the water in my lungs. My nostrils burned and my eyes felt as though they were being burned right out of their sockets. What if, just what if, this feeling that wouldn't go away; this feeling planted in me without my knowing, was love? Or maybe could be love. Or would be love? What if, love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on twitter. I don't bite unless you ask! @PKayeMonbebe


	2. A Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun's daily montony, but things aren't as easy as he'd like them to be. The world turns and life has a way of throwing at you exactly what you need when you need it. Is Changkyun ready for new changes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this is really slow going. You kind of need the details though.  
> I did base this off of real people though and character development does happen. Even if we go one step forward and fifty thousand back. We get there eventually.  
> Tell me what you think! I like criticism.

     "Maybe we can fix that. You really need to open up to people instead of a body pillow."  I could almost hear him spit that last part. It stung, just a bit.

     "What's wrong with Sneky? I like Sneky, he's not terrifying. " I laughed, but I wasn't really joking. I was terrified of people. If I wanted to talk to anyone, I needed someone with me. I knew that eventually Jooheon would grow tired of babysitting my broken ass. I hated to think about it, but it was inevitable.

     "You know I love you baby. Please don't take it badly. Though true, I was joking." I hated that even after so long he felt like he had to explain himself and justify the things he said. Sometimes I wondered if to him, I was still that ten year old kid. Probably.

    I wasn't sure I ever moved beyond that stage. Therapist after therapist told me it was natural. That trauma that intense never left and that I needed to learn how to deal and cope my own way at my own speed. But when my way proved ineffective and basically nonexistent, they always pushed me out of the office and onto the chair of the next therapist. Jooheon was my only constant.

     "Hey furry!" I heard it just before the pillow hit the side of my head. Not even my hoodie could protect me from that.

     "It's okay, Joo. I'm okay. Let's go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be different."  I said as I moved back the blankets inside of which I planned to burrito myself.

    "You going to talk to cafe boy tomorrow?" Jooheon laughed as he plopped into bed and cuddled up to Sneky.

     "I might. I should, shouldn't I?" I could feel Jooheon's hand on my back, rubbing small circles through the blankets.

     "You would have more time with Minhyuk if you didn't always have to babysit me." A bitter taste stayed on my tongue, it all came down to me being inept, didn't it? Often I wondered how life could have been for Jooheon if we never met. Or if I wasn't so broken. I wasn't crying.

     "I spend plenty of time with Minhyuk. He knows how important you are. He understands." He didn't sound like he was trying to make me feel better but I still wondered if it was true.

    The nightmare stayed away and I knew it was because of Jooheon. I soundly and awoke mostly refreshed though I was never ready for a new day. I probably owed it to Joo to at least try; probably owed it to myself more.

    "You're right about the hoodie; it could uae a proper washing." I muttered as I sifted through my closet, suddenly and painfully aware of the pathetic array of options.

    Black skinnies and black sweats were basically all I owned. My collection of hoodies were black and grey, though there was that one pink one I could just barely see in the back of the closet. Joo bought me that one year. He said my wardrobe needed some color. I wouldn't have picked pink. And shocking, all my shirts were black. 

    I pulled out some black skinnies that looked fairly nice. As in, I hadn't worm them ragged yet. I put on a black top and before I lost my resolve, I plucked out the pink hoodie and topped it all off with a black jacket. It would probably be hot, but I was always cold anyways.

    Work was nice. Even though the shop didn't officially open until three in the afternoon, I went in at ten to make sure everything was clean and sterile but also for practice; I never thought I wanted to do piercings but once I got the job I realized quite a bit. I liked doing piercings, I liked the people and the atmosphere and I also liked that it forced me out of my comfort zone. Of course, Joo approved as well.

    While the pink hoodie wasn't quite the same, I found it helped me in a different way. I was able to feel safe when I needed it but also feel a little brighter. That was probably why Joo was always so pushy about getting me into something other than black and grey. I understood, but I also knew I wouldn't be putting myself in color all the time. It just wasn't me.

    The cafe was humming with the late morning crowd. I stood in line, not paying much attention to those around me, just moving with the flow of the line. Joo always warned me that my tendency to space out at inappropriate times would be to my detriment and he was right. Before I realized time was passing, I was next in line and the face staring back at me was the one I:d been running from. I had no way to run, nowhere to run. I wanted to run, to hide and pretend that moment never happened. There was no escape for me, however, the people queued up behind me were very quick to push me forward and remind me I wasn't the only one in line to order.

    My hands shook, my heart raced and I was fairly certain I was going to vomit. His smile though, drew me in, told me everything was okay; that the world would move on as it was meant to. His smile was home for me and I didn't even know when it happened. He was the sun and I was hopelessly caught in his gravitational pull.

    I stumbled over my words for a full minute, not even looking at his face. I couldn't. I knew he probably thought I was strange and his interest went as far as how I took my !morning coffee. I really wanted to disappear.

     "Hazelnut latte, extra cream, right?" Even his voice was like sunshine. When would my demise save me from this mess?

    'Uhh,.yeah. How'd you know?' The high pitched sound of my voice hurt my ears, I hoped he didn't notice but I knew he did. He just smiled and tried his best to stifle a laugh.

     "Well, you're here nearly every say. I:d be a terrible barista to not remember.' He smiled and I thought my heart was going to melt.

     "Do you know my usual order? I:m here every day too. Please tell me you do so I can get out of here faster. Someone from behind me quipped..He blushed just slightly and I could feel my ears turning pink. I pulled my hood over my head and held it rightly. 

     "Are you going to flirt all morning or do you plan to I dunno, do your job already?' Another voice this time female. He already left to retrieve my latte; I was a little happy he wasn't there to notice how red my face had to be turning. I wanted out of there as quickly as I could manage. Still, though, seeing him made me feel full. It scared me.

    The last time I let someone in like that, I ended up broken, so broken. If it wasn't for Joo, I probably would have done something stupid to get out of the situation. As the story goes, Joo was there to save me exactly when I needed him to be. I relied too much on him and I wondered, probably too often if he would be better off if I wasn't in his life.

    I've mentioned my innate ability to space out at inappropriate times. I didn't even hear him speak to me, but when I felt his hand on my arm to shake me from my ill timed reverie, I realized my mind wasn't in the same zip code as my body.

    "You okay, cutie?" His voice was gentle, I wanted to melt into it.

    I blinked and looked at him for a moment before reaching for my latte. Bad did not begin to describe the moment, and yes, all that confidence I managed to build up went right out the window. I forgot how to breathe.

     "You really should tell me your name. I can't call you 'Cutie' forever." My mouth probably dropped open, I probably looked like an idiot.

     "What?" World, idiot. Idiot, world.

     "Your name, what is it?" Was he really asking for my name? with his hand softly on my arm? What even was a brain?

     "Ch- Chan yoon? No, no. I know my name, hold on. Shit. Changkyun. Yeah, that one."  I managed to pull my latte from his grasp and turn away . I took that opportunity to bolt for the door. Could I be any more humiliating? The answer was yes.

    The answer would always be yes, partially because it seemed like I always got into the worst possible situations imaginable. I wasn't paying attention, my heart was racing and I just wanted to get to work before I died. The universe, of course, had other plans for me. As I turned the corner I managed to run right into someone. I may have panicked a little.  I also may have screamed.

     "It's okay, don't worry!" Came a calm but husky voice. I looked at him, I'm sure with an expression of complete horror and I wanted to scream again. I may have managed to not pour my entire latte onto his shirt but I did sacrifice. my cream to the gods of misfortune. 

     "I'll pay to have your shirt cleaned." I blurted quickly without looking up at his face.

     "I have a washer at home don't  worry about it. I have an excuse now to make my boyfriend go shopping with me." I glanced up at him to see a smile and I could feel myself relax 

     "At least let me buy you another coffee first?"

     "No, I:m good thanks; besides this was my fault, not yours."

     "I'm Minhyuk, by the way." He held out his hand to me.

     "Jooheon's Minhyuk?" I didn't really think before asking, the question just sort of slipped off my tongue.

    His face sort of lit up and if I's not already seen the sun personified on cafe boy, I would have thought Minhyuk was the sun. 

     "No way, you're Changkyun?" I didn't understand how. that was exciting.

    "Joo talks about you all the time! I've been bugging him to let me meet you because what good boyfriend doesn't know his boyfriend's best friend? Sorry, this is probably why he won't let me meet you. You're overwhelmed aren't you? I'm sorry!" I understood then why Joo liked him. Even I thought he was cute when excited.

     "Joo talks about you too. I always feel badly that he spends so much time taking care of me." I didn't understand the compulsion to tell him things, it was strange. I stopped talking quickly and checked the time.

     "I’m going to be late for work. See you around?" 

     "Wait, you dropped this when we bumped into each other." He handed me a folded piece of paper, it was pinkish and I could see part of the cafe's name on it.

    "Maybe meeting like this was fate. Maybe now I can come over sometime and we can be friends too." The idea didn't acre me as I expected. Two friends wouldn't be so bad, after all.

    Thankfully, the shop wasn't too far away. One of the reasons why I picked that particular place for work. The Mystik Dragon, A Body Art Parlor; mu haven, my home away from home. I felt like I belonged when I was there. 

    I shoved my hoodie and jacket into my locker and shoved the  little pink note into a pocket as an afterthought. I l liked work for all ita distractions. It made me forget about all my fears and anxieties for a little while. Cleaning work stations had its perks as well. I liked to look at  the artists sketches as I made sure all the surfaces were completely clean. It was fun if not monotonous. For some reason though, that day I couldn't wait to get back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on twitter. I promise I don't bite unless you ask. @PKayeMonbebe


	3. The Strangest Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun is falling. In love? Deeper into his problems? Into self loathing? Probably all of them. He never learned how to deal and it really affects his ability to communicate. He tries, but there's always that something in the back of his mind convincing him that he's not good enough and he never will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mentioned before that these characters are all based on real people. This is my personal story. Yes, several things are changed to make it work but all the big events are real. There are some holes in my memory and those holes do get filled with fiction.  
> Also. The piercing. I apologize to anyone who is a piercing tech. I researched first to see if things have changed in the last 16 years and things seem the same. If anything has and it's not accurate, just know that scene actually happened, 16 years ago.

    "What's the weirdest piercing you've ever done?"  Minhyuk's eyes were wide and he leaned toward me, touching my knee just slightly.

     "Well, my second week in, I got to learn how to do a Prince Albert. I watched the shop owner do one first to make sure I fully understood the materials they gave me to study. So, the guy comes in the back room, we have separate rooms for specific private piercings, and he pulled his dick out; he just looked at me, dead in the eyes while getting ready."

     "The process is a bit painful to watch. I swear I had sympathy pains or something. The manager prepped him, which he seemed to enjoy while staring at me." I took a breath and shuddered.

     "Then the real show started. We have these kits, they're not really kits so much as just a collection of general supplies but they're all in sterile sealed packaging, and one of the options for the Prince Albert is a little glass tube. The purpose of which is to allow the needle passage without causing undue damage. They aren't necessary, skilled piercing techs can manage without if they choose. And the manager chose not to."  I was maybe a little bit too into the story but I couldn't just stop once I got started.

     "She kinda massaged her finger down into his urethra and then pushes the needle in and then out through the glans." They were both uncomfortable . Minhyuk hid his face in Joo's shoulder; I could see them both cringing.

     "The strangest part is that after it was done, he asked me if I wanted to suck him off. I left the room without a word. I'm sure the manager told him he needed to allow a couple of weeks for healing to resume sexual activity."

     "You never told me about that. I kind of wish you wouldn't have." Joo's expression was a mix of horrified and curious. 

     "I didn't think you'd want to hear it."

    "Was he at least good looking?" Joo smacked Minhyuk on the leg for asking.

     "I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention to him after the initial eye contact. I was freaking out a bit but I couldn't show it."

     "That didn't really answer my question though. What's the strangest thing you specifically have ever had to pierce." His attention was back on me, some strands of his sandy colored hair fell into his eyelashes. I didn't understand why I was comfortable around him.

     "It's okay Kyun, you don't have to answer him." Joo said with a bit of concern.

     "No, it's okay. I actually told that story to say I don't really do interesting piercings. Mostly just ears and facial piercings. I don't really like doing surface or dermals, to be honest, but I have done eyebrows before. I guess maybe the most interesting was an industrial maybe? But I guess that isn't really that interesting since it's just two normal helix piercings in essence." Maybe I was boring but I was okay with that.

     "Oh! What was in the note?" Joo looked at his boyfriend and then at me, confused. I was confused too.

     "The note that was with your coffee the day we bumped into one another." He brushed his dark hair out of his eyes and looked at me with a mischievous grin.

     "That was a couple of weeks ago. I don't remember.... Wait!" I ran into my bedroom and dug through my dirty clothes I had yet to wash to find the pink hoodie still stained with coffee that smelled sickly sweet at that point. There it was, the little pink-ish note, safe and still neatly folded in the pocket of my hoodie.

     "Found it!" I made my way back in to see Joo and Minhyuk just sort of cuddled together talking. It was really just the cutest thing. I made a few obnoxious gagging noises as I sat down on the floor in front of them. Even though I was comfortable talking to my new friend, I still had trouble being to close and with contact. Any time we accidentally brushed against one another it still made me uncomfortable and something in my chest constricted and I felt paranoid and anxious. Maybe I'd never be rid of that.

    I showed the note to the two boys looking at me curiously before I carefully unfolded it. I stared for a minute before  looking up at my friends. I wasn't entirely sure what I read, so I read it again. Then another time for good measure. It didn't make sense.

     "Well, what does it say?" Minhyuk's  rather enthusiastic voice filled my ears.

     "Kyun are you okay?" Asked Joo, less enthusiastic than Minhyuk; his voice was laced with concern. He'd seen me shut down enough to know what was happening . Though, I wasn't entirely shutting down, I was just confused and I didn't know what to think.

     "His name is Hoseok. He wants to have dinner or something. A date. We've never even spoken, how could he think I'd want a date?" 

     "Did he at least give you his number?" Joo asked as he moved into the floor with me and took my shaking hands into his.

  I looked up at Minhyuk and he didn't seem to be phased. I expected him to be upset that Joo was paying so much attention to me and doting on me. I knew Joo said that Minhyuk understood but it was hard to believe. I always felt like I was getting in the way of his happiness.

     "I know Hoseok!" Minhyuk said and moved closer to me. His eyes were an odd mix of curious and planning something, it scared me.. "We've been friends for a while. His best friend's ex-boyfriend is one of my roommates. We all hang out a lot."

    "You know him?" I wasn't too shocked. Minhyuk had the type of personality I felt people loved to be around.

     "You should text him at least. I never would have thought you were the guy he's been gushing over. Personally, I don't see it. You don't seem cute and squishy to me. He must really like you."  There was a laugh in his voice but not a mean one. More like, he was trying to appeal to my sense of humor, which even I knew was pretty terrible .

     "Yeah, he said that in the note, I read it." 

     "He said you're cute and squishy?" He laughed.

     "No, that he really likes me."

     "You two are pretty similar, you know?" The laughter left his voice.

     "Similar, us? How?"

     "You both guard yourselves pretty heavily, for one. You don't like for others to defend or take up for you, for two. You both like coffee too much, for three. Should I keep going?" I wasn't sure which one of us was more stubborn. Maybe it was a close tie.

     "I don't think I can talk to him yet. I literally ran away when he asked my name." I was half whining, I knew someone would force it eventually because I lacked the courage or desire or ability to push myself to do it. It was how things worked.

     "What if I help?" 

     "You already help so much more than you should, Joo. Maybe I need to learn how to do things by myself without freaking out." 

    "What if I gave him your number?" Minhyuk, with a very pleading expression, asked. Maybe it wasn't the worst idea ever.

     "I think if you get to know him through texting ..." Minhyuk said, with that same pleading expression, already holding onto his phone, waiting for an answer.

     "You might be able to speak to him in person. Eventually." Joo finished, a hopeful smile played on the corners of his lips.

      "Sure, go ahead." We spent the night watching  _ I love Lucy _ until Joo and Minhyuk fell asleep cuddled together on the sofa. Even though I was still apprehensive about Hoseok. 

    For the first time in a long while, I climbed into my bed alone. It felt off. I grew so accustomed to Joo's presence and warmth that it felt cold and foreign to me. I pulled Sneky into my lap and looked at the stupid face we drew on the fabric when we were drunk. Maybe I wasn't entirely alone.

    My phone was on my bed where I left it; I picked it up to find a notification. A knot tied in the pit of my stomach; I worried straight away that it was him. There was a small part of me that was elated but an even larger part that wa s scared to death.

    My door opened, it was Joo. He didn't question things and just crawled into bed beside me as he rubbed sleep from his eyes.

     "What about Minhyuk?"

    "He's in my bed; I told him I'd be back after I made sure you were sleeping well." I smiled, that meant he planned to go back to Minhyuk rather than stay with me all night. It was nice to know he was thinking about himself for once.

    "I like him." I put my phone down and threw an arm around the warm body of my friend. 

     "Who, Min?"

     "Yeah. Why didn't you let me meet him before?"

     "I didn't want to overwhelm you. He can be loud."

     "I've noticed, but it's good. He's kind and I like him. A lot even."

     "Good. I like him too." He laughed and squeezed his hand between us to ruffle my hair.

     "Enough about me though. What about your cafe boy?"

     "Hoseok? He sent a text but I haven't read it. I'm not sure I can." I sighed and hid my face in Sneky.

      "You should read it and then send a proper reply. Don't you like him?"

     "He's probably the most beautiful person I've ever seen. His smile is like the sun; warm and beautiful, but I.... I don't know what I feel, honestly. Is it weird that I'm so scared?"

     "No, baby. I think everyone gets nerves when it comes to someone they like. I'll have to tell you one day how I was on my first date with Min."

     "You didn't hide though. I'm terrified to even answer a text. Just a stupid fucking text and I can't even read it!" I was shaking. My head felt like it would explode with all the things running through it.

     "Baby, calm down. It's okay. You and I are different people. I can't say that if I went through what you did that I would be as okay as you are. You're much stronger than you think. You just need to learn to let go of your fear sometimes." He wrapped his arms around me and just held me for a while.

    I felt safe with Jooheon. He was the only person about whose touch I didn't freak out. Of course, I knew him for nearly my whole life; I was comfortable because I knew him for so long. Maybe if I could learn to control my fears, I could get close to others.

     "I guess I'll go back to my boyfriend now. You think you'll be okay?"

     "You have your phone if I need you. And I mean, you'll know if I have nightmares...." Sometimes, I really felt like a kid.

    "Go be with your man. And Joo, I'll have my headphones on in case things get loud."

     The cafe wasn't as busy as I expected. I got up early and styled my hair a bit, threw on a bit of makeup and prayed to all the skin gods that I wouldn't get a rash. Why the effort, you probably wondered. The answer to which: I had no idea. None at all. It had nothing at all to do with Hoseok.

    He with whom I knew I still couldn't speak in person. Why would I make the effort for him? Maybe it was for work. Maybe I wanted to appear more personable underneath the hoodie. Maybe I lied to myself.

    I placed my order and found a table; Hoseok was not in the cafe so I waited a while. I fished my phone from my pocket and checked the message I ignored. After sleeping, I felt like I could handle things better. I wondered why it seemed so difficult before.

    It wasn't much, just an introduction and an explanation that Minhyuk gave him my number. I smiled to myself and quickly sent a reply, apologizing for not doing so sooner. 

    Some days at work were more fun than others. My shift ended before the tattoo rush so I was never around for any of that but some days we were so busy with piercings we barely got them done.

    That particular day, we had a group of young girls come in for matching ear piercings and that was an interesting endeavor. They came in with a woman I assumed was the mother to one of the girls. She didn't quite seem pleased to have found herself in the situation she was.

    As the manager got the necessary signatures, phoned the mothers to confirm permission was granted and took care of payment, I made the girls comfortable. There wasn't much to do in a tattoo shop for eight year olds and I found it strange that she didn't take them elsewhere for that reason. Anyway, I pulled out an art book for tattoo ideas and the girls and I made up stories for each artwork.

    I probably needed the distraction from reality, before I knew it, it was time to start piercing. The manager took half and I took half, just to get things done more quickly. I was a little better at keeping my girls calm, I could occasionally hear screams coming from the other room as I quickly worked through my lot without even the first tear. It really wasn't any big deal, the girls all got matching flower jewelry in their lobes, each one was a different color but all the same design. Before they left, I asked the lady what the occasion was and it turned out to be her daughter's birthday. That was probably my favorite day at work.

    The rest of the day went smoothly. I was allowed to do piercings unsupervised for the few customers who came in. It all went by quickly and when it came time to leave, I found myself going straight to the cafe. I didn't know why. At least I told myself I didn't know why. The reality was that I badly wanted to see Hoseok.  I didn't know why but I did.

    He was breathtaking, standing outside the cafe smiling at customers and people just walking by. I wanted to be closer to that smile. To feel the warmth behind that smile. My heart did a flip in my chest. Whatever the feeling was, it was new. I didn't know how to process it, but the feeling propelled me forward.

    I stepped into the crosswalk as the signal changed and almost ran across to see him. When I was close, I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out; or both. I hated the feeling. Part of me wanted it gone but the part that Joo and I spent so long trying to make better wanted to feel more. It was conflicting.

     "Hey cutie" That smile. Two feet and closing in. All I could see was that smile. I smiled back sheepishly, not enough to show my dimples, I didn't have the courage.

    "Cutie." I repeated it as though it tasted funny. It did. I wasn't accustomed to compliments . Especially from someone that looked like him.

    To describe him, I definitely had to say perfect. His thighs tested the limits of his black slacks. I felt sorry for those seams. His pale pink button down was a bit more loose but faintly visible under the crisp fabric was the most perfect chest you could ever imagine. He clearly worked hard to maintain his physique. Even though he was definitely eye catching in body, it really was his smile that drew you in. It just felt warm and genuine. I never wanted to see him without a smile.

     "Cutie, where'd you go?" I suppose I got a bit too carried away admiring him.

     "I- I... Sorry." I averted my gaze quickly and felt me ears turn hot. My face probably matched; yeah, I wanted to run away as quickly as possible.

     "S'okay. Cutie" He winked at me and leaned in, I was sure to touch me, but I stepped away quickly, avoiding his hand against my face just barely. He sighed and the look on his face said quite a bit.

     "I'm sorry...." I said it a lot that day. 

     "It's okay, I'm sure you can't help it. I guess..." He paused and looked at me, reading my eyes a way only Jooheon ever did. "I must have misread the signs."

     He looked sad. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, that I just didn't like to be touched but I couldn't. It was strange, I knew it, that I worried more about how knowing would affect him than how my avoiding his touch would affect him. I couldn't explain my logic; it didn't make sense to me.

    His eyes looked so hopeful; he expected a rebuttal, I could see it. His fingers twisted together; I looked at his hands to have a focus that wasn't his eyes and took a deep breath. I built up the courage, and the will to tell him he was wrong. Before I could, someone bumped into me. Hard enough that I lost my balance. I stumbled, almost fell but strong hands held onto my shoulders to keep me steady.

    It was like being under water again. First, I felt my lungs fill with water as I tried to breathe. I fought, unsuccessfully, for air. I jerked away, trying to escape, to break above the surface and breathe. Faces turned into a blur and my ears rang. I could feel the water rushing into my lungs, filling my sinuses and flooding my eyes. My worst nightmare but I couldn't escape it by waking. I tried to gasp words but they were unintelligible. I wasn't quite sure if I was still standing or if I was on the floor but I could feel my body shaking. It was almost as though I were a spectator of the scene. I could hear those around me pleading with me to wake or to come back. I didn't know how.

    When I came to, I was in my bed. Jooheon was beside me, his hand was holding onto mine. I felt humiliated. Like he'd ever want to see me again after that. I didn't want to see me. I hated myself for it but I didn't know how to change it.

     "Joo." I croaked; my voice was hoarse like I spent all night screaming . I probably did.

     "You saved me, I guess." It wasn't so much a question but  I want to know how I got home.

     "What happened? Hoseok said he didn't really know. You were fine and then you weren't."

     "I had an attack. No big deal." I turned over to face the opposite side of the room. I didn't want to look at Jooheon, I knew he wanted to analyze things and find out how I felt. All I wanted was to go back to sleep. Maybe for a week.

     "I think you need to face it if you're ever going to get over it." Maybe I knew he was right but I didn't want to admit it.

     "If getting over it was that easy maybe one of the seventeen therapists I've seen would have helped."

     "I don't mean to sound like an ass but have you ever considered that those therapists might have helped more if you would have let them?"

      "What, like I want to be this way? Yeah, it's so much fun to have a panic attack just because someone touches me. Accidentally."

     "I mean, I don't think you realize you do it, but you isolate yourself except around me, so to some extent I think you subconsciously want it to happen."

     "I work just fine. I befriended Minhyuk without your help. I don't think I want this. Also it's entirely circumstantial. Today I might not have freaked our if someone hadn't run into me from behind."

     "Okay, you're upset, I'll leave you alone."

     My bedroom fell silent. No clock to tick away the time and distract me. No one's breathing to tell me I'm not alone. Thick silence was all I had to keep me company and it wasn't doing a good job.

      I sat up and slid up against the wall, I let my head fall back into the wall, a slight pain bloomed as it hit. It was welcome, the pain. Something physical to distract me from the emotional pain. I promised someone a long time ago that I wouldn't hurt myself when things got difficult. Sometimes I couldn't keep that promise. It was for that reason Joo kept all sharp objects out of my bedroom. He cared and I couldn't be mad at him for it. Even when my desire for physical pain reached dangerous levels. I knew where he hid the razors, if it came to that.

    My journal and I had a fantastic relationship. It was the place I went when nothing made sense, when I couldn't focus or when I felt like I wanted to just stop because nothing was worth the effort or the pain. I told my journal things that I could never say out loud. Especially not to my best friend.

    Wouldn't it be nice if life were so easy? So easy that I could just talk out my issues so they would magically disappear. Sometimes writing helped me feel that way. Those moments when it was just me and the paper, everything felt like it could fall into place. So I wrote until I couldn't write anymore. I wrote until I fell asleep and then I dreamt of writing. It was cathartic. When I woke, I no longer needed to feel physical pain as a distraction. I no longer felt as though everything in my life was against me; at least I thought.

    The soft sound of my phone vibrating somewhere on the other side of my bedroom disturbed me from my thought. I stumbled from my bed and found my jeans and fished my phone from the back pocket. It was Hoseok, of course it was him. He probably wanted to know what made me so broken and honestly, I really didn't want to tell him.

    My story was not one to be told. Especially not to people I technically didn't know. My wounds, my traumas weren't necessarily unique individually but together they were strange. Most of the time I felt like my life was some horrifying series of unfortunate events meant for film or bad literature. It wasn't something so easy to tell.

    I needed breakfast and I could smell the eggs burning. It was Joo's specialty and he only attempted to not burn eggs when I was going through some things. The day before definitely qualified. I showered and dressed as quickly as I was capable and ventured into the kitchen. Four plates sat on the counter. With Minhyuk staying almost constantly since we met, I didn't question three if those. 

     "Did someone get a new pet?" Both Joo and Minhyuk raised their brows in confusion.

     "Pet, no. We do, however, have a guest." Joo answered without even looking at me.

     "Who the fuck would be here this early in the morning?" I hated surprises. I really, with all of my soul, hated to not know about things beforehand. When it came to my home, my sanctuary , I hated not knowing even more.

    I heard Hoseok's voice and turned slowly toward him. He had a tentative smile on his lips and heavy concern in his eyes. I felt badly that I was the cause of his concern. I turned back toward the counter and looked down.

     "How long has he been here" I asked, trying not to sound panicked.

     "He stayed last night. With you. Maybe try to not be upset?" Jooheon said with a shocking amount of venom.

     "Sorry." I went back into my bedroom and checked that message I ignored. Of course then I felt worse. My cheeks became wet and I didn't even realize I was actually crying until I couldn't stop the sobs. Maybe everything affected me more than I liked to admit.

    I sat in the floor with my phone in my hands and sobbed until I heard a light knock at my door.

     "Are you okay? I'm sorry I stayed. I didn't touch you. Jooheon told me everything. I just...." Hoseok's voice trailed off. I could hear how sad he was.

     "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

     "I know. I just read your text. I'm okay." I wondered if he could hear the lie. He said nothing for a long while. I could almost hear him breathing outside my door. I felt terrible. All that time I wanted nothing more than to see him and I couldn't even look at him.

     "I am sorry. I don't know how to deal with this right now. I can't... I just need time okay."

     "Is it okay if I wait? In my own way?" I didn't know what that meant but there was a strange sensation in my stomach. Not butterflies, not nausea either. Something in between or a combination of the two 

     "You want to wait for me to be better?"

     "I've been waiting for you for months; I can wait a little longer." I heard his steps as he walked away. I felt a bit alone and empty. I didn't realize then the impact he was going to have on my life but for some reason, I still wanted him in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Hoseok's pov. I don't know yet if it will be first or third person. It's been years since I last wrote in third person and I'm honestly not sure I can anymore. Anyway. Point is. Hoseok time. Maybe will be longer? I really need to get to know him as a character beyond the traits he shares with my ex-gf
> 
> Visit me on twitter @PKayeMonbebe


	4. There Are Some Things You Need To Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A view from the other side.  
> Hoseok fell fast and hard but it seems just talking to the boy who lit up his world in an unexpected way is much more difficult than he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a while. Writing in third person again was a bit strange.  
> Trying to properly articulate things from Hoseok's perspective was also difficult but it was interesting to see how he felt about things.  
> Perhaps there's an opening for some side character development later on?

  Sunlight filtered through the blinds, casting a pinky hue over his room from the early morning light. He woke and stretched, he smiled at the warmth that bathed his skin. It was the second day after seeing him. The image of his face was etched into the depths of his mind; he couldn't get away and maybe he didn't want to.

    Hoseok was a fairly simple guy. He liked his job; it granted him the freedom to spend as much time as he wanted doing things that he actually wanted to do. Though he was skeptical at first, opening the first franchise of his mother's cafe chain was exactly what he needed in his life.

    Each evening before bed he wrote out a special menu for the following day. He liked to keep the tradition of the original cafe alive. Extra care and attention went into each detail. He even kept pink-peach paper around to write on, both for customers and for himself. He took pride in his little cafe.

    He also took pride in himself. He worked out for two hours every morning after breakfast and another two after dinner to keep his body in the best shape possible. His diet was strict but working in a cafe around sweets all day could really get to you if you had issues with temptation so he always allowed for a tiny bit of indulgence.

    Two months in the city, the cafe stood. Two months in the city he met new people, saw new faces, some old. Two months in the city and he saw a face he wanted to see so much more of. It was a first sight thing for him the moment the boy walked into his cafe he was already in too deep. The boy with the long legs always tightly encased in black pants.

    The boy who was always shadowed in his hoodie, pulled securely over his head. Whose expression was always solemn yet somehow hopeful. With the eyebrow piercing and painted nails that warned of a little bit of danger. With lips that never smiled but captivated so easily with their angular curves. He'd never been much a poet but the boy gave Hoseok plenty of inspiration for a verse or two

    He knew he wanted to know the boy but time never seemed to be on his side. Time kept them apart with work. Time pulled them apart with the need for the comfort of home. Time was an evil invention; Hoseok thought whoever created time was cruel. He knew though, with time things might go his way.

    The cafe bustled, as it always did mid-morning when he arrived. He greeted the line outside the cafe with bright smiles and if he wasn't mistaken, drummed up some curiosity just by being out. His mother did always say his face could sell anything but he would argue people liked to look at his body more than his face.

    Inside the cafe was cozy; the walls were a warm beige with pink-peach accents.The tables and chairs were all handmade wooden pieces, each unique. There was a lounging section with deep, plush sofas and shelves of books. The idea was to create a comfortable place, something like home. He knew he was a bit of a sap but it didn't bother him too much.

    He looked around with a hopeful gaze, wanting to see the boy but also to speak to him and learn his name so he could stop referring to him as 'the boy' it felt rude. It was a shock to him when the boy showed up wearing something different. In place of his usual black on black comfortable style, he wore a pair of crisp black jeans, tight in all the right places. The usual black hoodie was replaced with a pink one, a pale pink, not too bright and just right for his caramel skin. Layered over the hoodie was a denim jacket, black, but well worn; faded almost grey in places. It looked good. He looked good. Hoseok caught himself staring pretty hard.

    Most often he didn't work behind the counter. He could, he was completely capable but he preferred to be on the other side, chatting with customers. He craved human contact, even the most menial of interactions gave him a sense of joy. Seeing the boy, however sent him straight to the counter.

    There were two occasions before, which allowed him to be close to the boy. The first was upsetting. The boy pulled tightly into himself as though he had to protect himself. Hoseok decided not to try to talk to him. The second was similar but closer. Hoseok managed to get close enough to smell the boys pleasant earthy scent and make eye contact.

    It pained Hoseok to see the fear in the depths of the boy's dark brown eyes. There was so much hiding behind their placid surface that Hoseok wished for nothing more than to hold him tightly and assure him that everything was okay. He was in deep, in so deep he could drown in the scent. So deep that there was no saving him from the feelings that bubbled up in his chest. He held tightly to prevent them from overflowing but it was only a matter of time before he would have to let them go.

    He smiled and looked at the line moving closer. The target of his pining stood a short few feet away and though he stared at the floor, Hoseok could see the lights reflecting in his eyes. It really added to the mysterious air that always surrounded him. He wondered if everyone else could hear the peculiar way his heart was beating.

    When the boy finally reached the counter, Hoseok was elated. The world finally aligned and put the two of them face to face with no choice but to speak. He just hoped it didn't end badly.

     "Hazelnut latte, extra cream, right?" He asked with the stupidest of grins plastered on his lips. At least it felt stupid to him.

     It was clear the boy was startled and even he had to admit it was fairly strange to single out an order that way. Considering most mornings he didn't even work the counter, it seemed a bit stalkerish. As the customers behind the boy began to complain, Hoseok became more desperate to know more and to know it quickly.  As the boy in front of him seemed to detach from reality, Hoseok decided it was time to learn his name.

     "You okay, cutie?" He asked, completely unsure as to why he blurted out cutie. It fit though. The boy was definitely cute. The two of them spoke for a minute, the shy boy was clearly uncomfortable. So much that when Hoseok asked his name with a smile.

    When he managed to get a name out,  he grabbed his latte and moved so quickly toward the exit that Hoseok was still holding his hand out towards him when he could no longer see his pink hoodie peeking from under his jacket.

     "Changkyun." He said absently, unaware he said it aloud. 

 "...Cute and all but I'd like to order. Or do you want to flirt with me too?"

    Hoseok could feel his cheeks turn pink and shook his head quickly to clear it. Focus was necessary before he made a fool of himself. He finished out the morning behind the counter even though he only intended to meet the target of his heart's desire. It was even kind of nice to work serving the customers for a while.

    Time seemed to be against Hoseok again. He was a bit dramatic, to be sure, as he whined to his roommate about the woes of his love life. He didn't necessarily mind that he didn't really have a love life, specifically he wanted one particular boy. Just Changkyun, that was all, he didn't think it was too much to ask.

    The house he and his roommates shared was his family home. His parents moved to a small cottage to spend their years together in quiet solace. Close enough that they were a car ride away from everything but isolated enough that their closest neighbor was a stray cat.

    His roommates were great, he and Hyunwoo were childhood friends and through him, Minhyuk, Kihyun and Hyungwon became part of his circle. Hyunwoo moved in immediately. He stayed there more often than not anyway. A couple of years passed before Hyungwon moved in. An invitation was extended to Minhyuk and Kihyun as well but there were reasons for their decline. 

     "So, you asked his name and he ran away scared?" Hyungwon screeched oddly through fits of laughter.

     "No! I mean, I guess? I don't think he was scared of me asking his name but maybe me in general? That's not any better is it?" Hoseok downed half of his beer in one swallow. He really wanted to forget about the events of the morning.

     "Maybe he's just shy?" Kihyun offered with a sympathetic look. He was nursing his fourth bottle and had yet to show signs of consuming alcohol at all.

     Hyunwoo wasn't drinking. At that point he was worried about being in the same house with Kihyun and getting drunk. They were friends, but Hyunwoo knew that it would only take one moment, one glance, one word and he would fall right into Kihyun's arms. He was a weak man; especially when drunk and even more especially when it came to Kihyun.

    "Maybe just give it time. Maybe he ran because he likes you and was embarrassed to show that side to you."  Hyunwoo patted Hoseok's thigh and gave him a nod.

     "Or he just wanted to get away from your ugly face!" Hyungwon screeched again and fell over onto the floor where he sat, laughter taking over every breath.

     "Okay Kermit, that's enough" Hoseok said with only a hint of hurt; he swallowed the rest of his beer and reached for another while he glared at Hyungwon.

     "I feel like there's more to the story. Have you tried to actually talk to him?" Kihyun asked with a scarily sober expression though his hands knitted together in his lap and his eyes kept darting toward Hyunwoo.

     "Minhyuk knows him. They're friends,apparently." Hoseok said as he twisted off the cap of another bottle.

     "Is that the Kid he's been talking about? The one that lives with Jooheon?" Kihyun asked with a slight slur to his speech. Six bottles later and he finally showed signs of alcohol affecting him.

    Hyunwoo watched carefully as Kihyun shifted, he didn't like it when Kihyun got drunk. There was always a reason. In the past he would be the reason. A small disagreement that was stupidly turned to something bigger. An offhand remark that was meant to be funny but didn't so much sound that way when it left his lips. He wondered just who was behind the heavy drinking this time.

    "Yeah, that's him. Does Minhyuk talk a lot about him?" Hoseok took a long draw from his beer and knew he craved something stronger.

     "Not so much. He's mentioned Joo has a cute roommate and that he's terrified of basically everything but that's it. I don't think he wants to intrude by talking about him. I hear too much about Joo though," he paused and let his gaze wander over Hyunwoo's stuff body. "Like, did you know Joo likes to roleplay. Specifically he likes this character Min made up called Dior. Min said the night he dressed up in a tiny little skirt and a wig Joo went absolutely primal. Min couldn't even sit the next day."

    Hyungwon snored lightly from his spot on the floor. No one really knew when he fell asleep but they all giggled at the small sound. The boy always could fall asleep anywhere.

     "I suppose I should take him to his bed," Hoseok mumbled, not really to anyone in particular . He scooped up the sleeping boy with ease and carried him to his bedroom. "Goodnight, sweet boy," he mumbled into the sleeping boy's forehead just before planting a gentle kiss on the cool skin.

     "Well, I guess I should go home," Kihyun whispered with his gaze fixed on Hyunwoo almost imploring him to notice him, speak to him, stop him from going or anything, really.

    And Hyunwoo was anything but stupid, he read the signs and he knew Kihyun was at least a little more drunk than he showed; he stood up and walked toward Kihyun, held his hand down to him and pulled him off the floor. "No," he breathed. "I think it's safer if you stay."

     "Safer for whom?" Hyunwoo heard Hoseok say with the mildest hint of annoyance in his voice. " because it looks like you're about to eat Ki's face and I don't feel safe in my own home."

    Hyunwoo would have laughed if he weren't so drunk off of Kihyun's everything. He stayed away from.alcohol to prevent this exact situation. He should have known better. He knew Kihyun still owned him, even a year and a half after the breakup, Kihyun still owned every little piece of him. Right down to the blissful ache settled in his groin. No one made him feel the same way. Only Kihyun.

    As Hoseok's door clicked shut behind him, Hyunwoo inhaled a sharp breath; he realized there was no way out. He turned sharply on his heel and pulled Kihyun behind him until the both of them were standing in his bedroom, the door clicked behind them and Hyunwoo pulled Kihyun close.

    Hoseok tried to ignore the sounds. He envied Hyungwon that he had the ability to sleep through such things. He nursed his beer and gently caressed the bottle of vodka he brought with him from the kitchen. He didn't mind so much the sex. Hyunwoo deserved to have a good time; he didn't necessarily want to hear it but he wasn't mad at it.

    Days blurred by as Hoseok did what he always did. He got up, had breakfast, worked out, showered, went to work to keep himself distracted, had dinner, worked out again and then crashed. It was his normal cycle but it felt wrong. Something was missing and he knew it was Changkyun.

    When morning light once again hit his eyes through the blinds that barely diffused the rays, Hosek pulled himself out of bed for his routine. He chose a pale pink button down and slacks he knew were too tight on his thighs to wear for the day.  His intent was to grab Changkyun's attention and hopefully never let it go.

    His trek to the cafe was later than normal. Partly because he took extra care and time tending to his appearance and partly because I felt like the morning wasn't the best time to make the kind of attempt for someone's attention as he was ready to make for Changkyun.

    It was flustering; he didn't actually know why  he was so drawn to the small, cute and probably very shy boy. There was just something about him. He didn't feel the need to protect so much as to just exist in the same space. Changkyun was magnetic.

    He checked his phone on last time, just to be sure he didn't miss a reply or anything but this time it showed the message was at least read. It made him happy; he badly wanted to speak with the boy shrouded by clouds once again.

    Late morning business made the day pass more quickly. Patrons were greeted and orders were taken when he was needed for that but mostly he found himself just sort of floating around the cafe making small conversation and offering bright smiles to everyone who opened the doors.

    The thinning of the afternoon crowd brought his daily routine of hanging out on the sidewalk outside the cafe. Armed with a stack of cafe business cards and coupons for free cake, Hoseok greeted everyone. Adults, children and even dogs. Especially dogs, actually. But when his eyes caught with the small boy across the way, the universe realigned; he could feel the shift in the air. It took every ounce of muscle on his fit body to keep from running straight to him.

    "Hey cutie," he managed when Changkyun was close enough to hear. He hoped the sunshine would be enough to diffuse the growing redness on his cheeks.

     "Cutie," Changkyun repeated it as though it tasted funny. It did. He sort of chewed the word to see if he liked it.

    A calm breeze blew between them, Hoseok used the motion of the breeze to drift closer. Despite the quiet coming from Changkyun, he looked as though he were pondering something important and his gaze was on Hoseok. Not in an uncomfortable way but a familiar sort of way that felt a little nice.

     "Cutie, where'd you go?" Hoseok asked and chuckled. His voice came out more softly than intended and he prayed to all things good that it didn't scare him away. The boy he waited so long to speak with; the boy he knew he was in love with. He was nearly ready to admit that last part aloud.

     "I- I... Sorry." Changkyun uttered which caused Hoseok to chuckle. The slight pink on his ears was too cute as he stood embarrassed. Like he got caught in the act of something he shouldn't have been doing.

     "S'okay. Cutie" He winked at and leaned in, the intention was just to place his hand on Changkyun's cheek; he was sure he'd read the signs in those deep brown eyes. The signs that said he wanted Hoseok too, but he stepped away quickly, too quickly, avoiding Hoseok's hand against his face just barely. 

    "I'm sorry," he said with a pained look that broke Hoseok's heart. There was clearly a lot more going on behind those deep brown eyes that Changkyun wanted people to see. It hurt but he understood.

    "It's okay, I'm sure you can't help it. I guess..." He paused and looked at me, reading my eyes a way only Jooheon ever did. "I must have misread the signs."

     There wasn't time to be upset or sad. The pain in the eyes of the most beautiful person he'd ever seen hurt more. Things happened quickly, they always happened quickly. What happened, exactly, was a mystery. One moment he was standing there, shining more brightly than should have been possible with his downcast expression, the next moment he was out. Freaking out then passed out. His breaths were shallow and choked. Something Was definitely wrong.

    He didn't know how but Minhyuk and Jooheon learned of the situation and stood in front of him. Changkyun was  moved onto Jooheon's back, deposited into Minhyuk's car. As though on autopilot, he slid into the seat by Changkyun and belted in.

    "There are some things you need to know," said Jooheon, eyeing him in the rearview and all he could think was that his world was going to be so much different with these people in his life. It was overwhelming but it was exactly what he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will also be in third person. I think looking at the next part through Hoseok's perspective is a good idea. And of course I have some side characters who don't actually exist in my life so that should be interesting.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. When Everything Falls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoseok tries to deal with not being able to physically be there for Changkyun but Hyunwoo and Kihyun are there to help him. He gets a little advice from Jooheon too.  
> Second part is Kyun again leading up to what's going to happen in the next chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning!!  
> In the second part, he doesn't go out and say it in a direct way but Kyun talks about suicide and how he's dealt with it his whole life. Before you go and think it's unnecessary, writing this has helped me a great deal to let go and move forward. Writing this has been better than a lot of years of therapy.

Brooding. Hoseok’s days were filled with brooding.  He blamed himself, of course, for whatever happened. He had that tendency to always heap things upon himself in order to make things easier on those around him. It didn’t make things easier that time. He had some difficulty getting over that.

 He took a deep breath and let himself fall down into the plush cushions of the couch. Hyunwoo and Kihyun were cuddled together on the end but he barely registered their presence. He wasn’t necessarily shocked by the things that Jooheon said. He knew that there was a lot left out and it made sense, some things Changkyun needed to tell and that was perfectly okay. There were implications made, however. Likely to express the gravity of the situation and Hoseok didn’t like those implications one bit.

   “Bad day?” Kihyun shifted on the couch, pulling himself slightly away from Hyunwoo to place his hand gently on Hoseok’s arm.

    “Not for me, but yeah,” Hoseok said, looking forward into the television though he was completely uninterested in whatever was playing on the screen. A few seconds of silence passed by and Hoseok looked to Hyunwoo and Kihyun, a question on his gaze.

    “Are you two back together again?” He said again like they ever truly broke up. Everyone who knew them saw that they were meant for each other but something just kept getting in their way. Probably Kihyun’s family, who wanted him to settle down with a nice girl and produce a ridiculous amount of grandchildren. Kihyun laughed and Hyunwoo pretended nothing at all was said. Typical.

     “Wanna play a game or something? Maybe drink a little to help drown out whatever you have going on?” Kihyun asked with a crooked smile that never really meant anything good. They’d had many a drunken fight over a game of Uno that should have been friendly but was really just the most brutal torture one could ever imagine.

    “And watch you cheat while Hyunwoo takes up for you because he’s a whipped little puppy? Nah, I’ll pass,” Hoseok answered with a laugh and a sideways glance at the pair.

    “You look like you need a distraction though. Movie night maybe? We can get drunk either way,” Hyunwoo said as he pulled himself off the couch and subsequently from beneath Kihyun’s bare legs.

    “Getting drunk isn’t the answer to everything,” Hoseok said dryly and let himself fall deeper into the cushions. Even though he knew alcohol wouldn’t solve the problem, it would likely help him deal with the immediate emotions caused by the problem and that was enough. Perhaps a few drinks would be good for him.

    Sleep didn’t come easily but he didn’t expect it would. Hoseok watched the ceiling as he lay on his bed with his arms folded under his head. He wondered how Changkyun was faring but he knew it probably wasn’t well. It hurt to know that there was nothing he could do to help. Not really, not yet. Many times people told him he had the patience of a saint for how he could wait for someone or be kind to someone when they didn’t deserve either but maybe part of it was that he just didn’t like confrontation and it was easier to wait and be patient.

    He woke to his alarm blaring obnoxiously in his ear and wondered when sleep finally took him, he didn’t remember. He dismissed his alarm with a grunt and stretched the sleep from his joints before jumping into his routine. No matter what, the routine was important. It grounded him and kept him fairly well sane. Though perhaps it was also a coping mechanism but at least it was healthy.

    Weekends at the cafe tended to be more busy than weekdays. The first couple of months in he noticed the trickling in of couples spending their date time nextled together in the pink glow of the cafe lights. It made sense, the romantic vibe the decor offered was undeniable, even if that wasn’t his initial intention. It made him feel sad, though. Perhaps a tad melancholic. As he watched the couples drift in an out, sharing cakes while drinking their coffee and chatting made him sorely long to spend time with Changkyun.

    He knew, however, that as much as he wanted to check up on Changkyun that it was best to wait, to give it time because whatever was going on with him was big enough that he didn’t need to feel crowded or pushed. He did check with Min regularly to see how things were going. Even if he wasn’t there with him, he was going to be informed, at least.

    So the waiting game began and each day that passed felt like an eternity. He worried because Min mentioned how Changkyun was spending most of his time locked in his bedroom. He continued to work but didn’t come out for meals and probably wasn’t staying properly hydrated either. Which was effective in creating an absurd amount of worry and frustration for everyone.

    “Boss? Boss? LEE HOSEOK!” One of the employees shouted right into his ear. 

    “Oh, I’m sorry. Yes?” 

    “The crowd seems like it’s slowed down, should we close for the day?”

    Normally, the cafe closed early on weekends, it was nice for those working to have time to spend with their families and friends. Not that such things weren’t possible on the weekdays, the weekend was just a little different.

    “Oh, yes, that’s probably a good idea. You go ahead and clock out, I’ll close up for the day,” He said and offered a gentle smile to the employees left in the cafe.

    He watched them leave and stood slumped against the counter for a little while. He was overwhelmed and tired and he couldn’t get his mind off a certain someone with a love for hoodies and dark clothing. Was he that whipped already that he couldn’t even focus on his work properly because of it. He never thought himself to be the lovesick type. So he did what he always did when he was stressed out; he cleaned.

    Even though the employees were great about cleaning the counter properly and keeping the coffee beans sorted in their airtight containers, he cleaned again anyway. It was the only thing he knew how to do that would help him cope and probably also keep him from running to Changkyun’s apartment just to check on him.  He scrubbed the counter until he was sure the pink was going to rub right off. He swept the floor and swept it again just to be sure it was cleaned properly. He wiped down tables and pushed in chair and polished the hardware on the cabinets. he worked until the inside of the cafe gleamed and sparkled.

    “You’re a stress cleaner? Never pegged you for one of those” A familiar voice said from behind him as he was watering the plants behind the sofa set in the lounging area.

    “Most of the time, no. Sometimes I like to just get drunk and pass out but that didn’t quite seem appropriate,” He answered with a laugh.

    “You’re worried,” A statement, not a question. The owner of the voice knew he was worried.

   Hoseok turned around after watering the last plant, a potted fern in the corner furthest from the window so it was shadowed by all the other plants. “Yeah, have you ever seen him pass out like that, Jooheon? It’s kinda scary.”

    Jooheon shook his head and suppressed a laugh. Of course he saw it happen once or twice. He and Changkyun were friends from a young age. He even knew the Changkyun before the attacks. “Once or twice,” he answered.

    “Does it get easier?”

    “Truthfully, no. It never does.”

    Hoseok thought for a moment and looked at Jooheon. He needed to know if there was something, anything, he could do. He wasn’t too fond of the helpless feeling he had at not being able to do anything. “Is there anything I can do to help him,” he asked finally with a sheepish gaze.

   “Not really, no. Just give him the space he needs to figure things out. I’m trying to make sure he eats and forcing him to talk to me for a few minutes every day but Kyun isn’t that easy.”

    “What if him being alone just makes these feelings worse for him?”

    “Yeah, I’ve thought that but he’s stubborn, you can’t force him into anything he doesn’t want. I try to be there for him and let him know I love him. He’ll eventually come around.”

    Perhaps Jooheon was right and Changkyun really did require space to deal. He couldn’t help though, feeling like maybe being alone wasn’t the best idea. Hoseok knew from his own history that being alone made the feelings worse. Even if he didn’t want to be around people, he knew the necessity was there. It was probably that way for Changkyun as well. Still, he didn’t want to push the subject.

    “I’ve been sending him texts to check on him. Nothing pushy or anything. I just want him to know I’m here for him.”

    “Can I be honest? He probably doesn’t think you know him well enough to think of him so fondly. I’m not saying stop, but please be careful with how many you send. Kyun is fragile, he might think you’re being patronizing and become even more upset. It doesn’t always work like that but for most of his life he’s only had me by his side,” Jooheon offered with a sad smile

    “Will you at least let me know if anything happens. I want to be there for him,” Hoseok said solemnly.

   “Of course, that’s why I came here, after all. And call me Joo,” He offered with a nod.

    Hoseok watched Jooheon walk out of the cafe, one hand in the air in a wave before he pushed through the door.

    Perhaps Jooheon had a point. Perhaps it wasn’t his place to think such things, it didn’t stop the thoughts from happening but he thought it would be best to dial back and just be there whenever he reached out. He hoped that it would happen, that Changkyun would reach out and talk to him about whatever it was he needed. He wanted so badly to be there for Changkyun.

\----------

     I didn’t know why I reacted to things the way I did. It was a mystery even, no especially, to me. Even though things were that way for as long as I could remember, I never really quite understood the ‘why’ behind it all. I always isolated myself, probably because of that, and did my best to never be in a situation where contact could happen without my knowledge. There was no problem working in the shop. I touched people plenty while I did their piercings but I always initiated it, which obviously meant I saw it coming. 

    It was just the touches I didn’t expect and the contact I didn’t see coming that made me nervous and tore me apart.  It was like drowning, like I was that kid again being held down, my lungs filled with water. It was unpleasant. It pushed people away, or rather, I pushed people away because I was so afraid of just that situation happening and I couldn’t reconcile the thought.

    I tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy, I knew it would help me get over the feeling pretty quickly but the aftermath of an incident like that usually wrecked me to the point of a depressive spiral.  I hated the feeling but even more than that I hated living with issues that caused me to spiral. There were occasions when things would overwhelm me to the point of just wanting to die. I knew that there were people that loved me and would be affected but that didn’t stop me from trying.

    It didn’t happen often, honestly, it didn’t but I was certainly the definition of failed attempts. I lost track of the number of times and ways I tried but every time one thing was certain, I was glad I failed. At some point I always realized that it wasn’t what I wanted. I felt like there was some deity or something that watched me and waited for those moments just to save my life. Perhaps it was just Joo who never pushed but always watched quietly. Perhaps I had a guardian angel sent by God to keep me here for something. Whichever it was, I was happy for it.

    Even knowing that, there were still times that I couldn’t handle it, when things became too much for me to bear by myself. As much as I pushed, there was a part of me that knew I needed someone there with me, actually with me to get me through it because being alone was the worst feeling I could imagine, even if I made that choice myself. So when Hoseok sent texts checking up on me, it did two things. It helped me feel less alone but it also made me panic and panic was never a good thing.

    I felt like he actually cared but the other side of that care was the knowledge that one day, if he ever figured out my issues, he would leave me. He would hate me and realize I was nothing. That I didn’t deserve his affection and attention, which made me spiral right into that place I hated being. Unable to convince myself that none of it was true, I was alone with the voices in my head. One voice, my own voice telling me that I wasn’t worth it, that I didn’t mean anything to anyone and no one would miss me. I truly believed that I was nothing and there was nothing I could do to change my own mind.

    So I worked and I went home and I worked again. I drowned out the voices with alcohol occasionally even though I hated the feeling of being drunk. I’d drink until I blacked out because at least then I wouldn’t feel anything. But not feeling anything was worse, that feeling of being so numb that nothing really bothered me anymore was frightening. I hated it.

    I longed to hold something sharp to my skin, to tear away the fragile flesh for nothing more than to feel something, anything. Even if it didn’t help, because it never did. My mind craved the feeling. Cold metal on soft skin, the sting as the blade drew slowly across creating fine lines I’ll trace over again and again just to feel. With each pull of the blade I remembered just how little I was worth and the cycle continued endlessly.

     I needed someone to save me but more than that I needed someone to help me save myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark times ahead. Prepare yourselves.  
> Hmu on twitter 💜 @PKayeMonbebe


	6. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun has a bit of a breakdown.  
> Thankfully he has a best friend and someone who cares about him to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning:  
> Direct mention of suicide and self harm.
> 
> Poor grammar ahead. I considered editing but I felt it held more impact disjointed and rife with runons. Sort of a bit of a look inside my head, I guess.
> 
> This chapter was particularly therapeutic for me. The event this references in my life is one I haven't been able to let go of. In writing this, I realized I've been setting myself up for failure this whole time.

"Memory is a fickle thing." I heard that enough times that I wondered if I could trust my own damn memories. "Our memories can be manipulated by our feelings. They might not be fully reliable" You know, the kind of thing they say to convince you that you need to really look deep inside to find the truth. Therapists said that to me for years, after the fifth or sixth one I stopped letting it bother me so much.

    I heard a lot that some of the things I went through were unbelievable. No, not the incredulous way that someone might do something shocking, but in that way they tell you that you're lying without so much saying it. At some point I just stopped talking about my past. Tried to bury it, tried to let it go, to get over it like everyone kept suggesting.

    How exactly was I supposed to let go of the things that made me who I am?

    I locked the door. I knew I had no choice; if Joo opened the door to see me with my back against the wall, on the floor with a knife in my hand, he would have flipped his shit. To be fair my shit was so far beyond flipped that whatever tantrum Joo threw to manipulate me into doing something I needed to do in favor of doing something I definitely did not need to do probably wouldn't even register in my mind.

    My old scars beckoned me like a siren song. Lines of iridescent flesh, some jagged and some straight, flowed along my arms and upper thigh like art on my skin to remind me of what I went through. Sometimes I traced my fingers over the most tender places to remind myself of all the pain I endured. Sometimes I’d dig my fingers into the scars just to feel the pain again. Some of the scars faded and disappeared over time, many of them in fact. But the places where I could hide the deepest cuts, the most angry slashes of the knife against my skin stayed bright. I liked to keep my arms covered and I never left the house in shorts because I didn’t want people to see them and judge me. I judged myself enough.

    But I couldn’t stop the siren call of the lines that marked me. The thin, iridescent lines sang to me as they sparkled on my skin in shades of white and blue that shifted in just the right lighting. They were beautiful to me. So beautiful to me. They were everything I needed to keep me stuck in a moment I needed to move away from but couldn’t. Their siren song, so sweet and melodic, washed over me constantly and vowed to never let me go. Vicious and beautiful I could never escape.

   My entire life I walked a thin line between being entirely suicidal, wanting more than anything to end my suffering with the sweetness of death and wanting to live because I knew, I just knew there was something better waiting for me somewhere that would save me from this life that was my own personal hell. I couldn’t tell you why the love that Jooheon always showed me regardless of what I did or how poorly I treated him after a breakdown was not enough to get me through the darkness. It should have been. But it wasn’t and I hated myself that I couldn’t let it be; no matter how much I wanted it to be enough, no matter how much I wanted to let Joo save me, I couldn’t.

    So I found myself in my bedroom with the door locked and my back against the wall as I sat on the floor holding a kitchen knife -because Joo hid all the other knives but I always promised I’d never use a knife we used for food on myself- to my thigh, right on the femoral artery, as I cried and cried waiting for something to click in my head that never did. And I pressed the blade so lightly in my skin that it just barely tore the surface. Superficial scratches that I swirled around and around in loose circles while I decided if I wanted to go through with the cut or not.

    Because no matter how hard I tried or how much I held onto Jooheon for all the support I needed, I still hated myself that I couldn’t get over the memories that created me. I couldn’t let go of a past that haunted me to the point of being afraid of people but also being afraid of having no one. It wasn’t a double edged sword, my fear. It was a goddamn nightmare from which I couldn’t wake. Haunting me every minute of every day until I just broke. And I was broken, so very broken. So beyond any repair that I could see possible that I didn’t even let people in that I actually wanted to be close with. I couldn’t even let myself enjoy the company of a guy that showed real interest and was so fucking caring that it hurt me. It hurt me but I didn’t know how to deal with it.

    So I sat in my goddamn room with my door locked and my back to the wall as I sat on the floor with a kitchen knife pressed to my thigh and I pressed the tip into a vein to see how much blood I could draw and then I withdrew the knife because I could hear Joo and Minhyuk talking just beyond my door about how much they wanted to help me and how they wished there was something that could be done to help me and how they wished I even wanted to be helped. 

    I stopped breathing as I sat there on my bedroom floor with a knife in my hand and I looked at my thigh to see how bad it would be later but it was barely a puncture, like one of Joo’s cats got its claw stuck in my leg and a small bead of blood appeared on the skin but it wasn’t deep and it wasn’t life threatening and I realized that I was in my own way. I was in my own goddamn way and I didn’t know how to step back and let myself heal and it was terrible so I cried.

  “Kyun, are you okay?” Minhyuk cooed with his soft voice that he used when he was talking to little kids and didn’t want to scare them and I didn’t know why it was comforting but I wanted to wrap myself in a blanket made of his voice because something told me everything would be okay if I did, so I cried but I didn’t answer.

    “Kyun, please answer me!” Joo yelled, an almost frantic edge to his voice that told me he knew I took a kitchen knife that was no longer in my hand but lying on the floor beside my thigh as a bead of blood dripped from the small wound that was so superficial it didn’t even last a whole day. And I cried because I didn’t know what to say because I knew I failed Joo again and it hurt to know I betrayed his trust and it hurt even more that I knew he would understand why I did it because that’s how Joo was. He understood everything even if he didn’t like it.

    And I let fall back my head against the wall to feel some sort of physical pain to remind myself that everything was actually happening around me and that I had a say in whatever the outcome was. That I had the power to define my own actions, that it was ultimately a choice that I had to make. Part of me wanted to go down that path where there was nothing left and I could just close my eyes and it would be the end. I had the knife, I could do it. I knew it would kill Joo if I did it and I knew it would leave Minhyuk to pick up the pieces while he was broken too. And not once did I think about what Hoseok would think about it. Not once did I consider that he might be hurt as well, because he didn’t know me. He didn’t know the secrets I was hiding. No matter how much he said he would wait for me to be okay, he didn’t understand that there was too much pain and that I would never be okay.

  So I picked up the knife as I sat on the floor of my bedroom with fat tears rolling down my cheeks and dried blood on my thigh and I held the blade in my hand. It was familiar, it was weighty and I knew I wanted it. I knew that, despite everything, I wanted it; that I craved that ending that only the knife could give me. And I held it and I looked at my door, I knew Joo and Min were behind that door probably waiting for me to make a sound, any sound.

    “You know I have the key to your door right?” Said Joo, and it was almost a whisper, I barely heard him over the beating of my heart.

    But I knew I could be faster. That in the time it took Joo to unlock and open my door I could already make the cut, right on the most vital artery that would ensure I would bleed out right there on my goddamn bedroom floor because that was the only escape I saw. But I hesitated. I waited for the sound of the key in the lock and I watched and I waited because something inside of me knew that maybe I didn’t want what I thought wanted. But the sound of the key in the lock never came, just the sound of Joo slumping to the floor outside my door.

    “Do you know how much I love you?” I did. I pressed the blade into my thigh anyway. Right on the sweet spot just below the groin where the artery was most prominent and I felt my pulse through the knife. A living, breathing thing that told me I was making a mistake and I knew that I was but I wanted so desperately for it all to end.

    “Do you know how much I’ll grieve if you do something stupid?” It was one of the things that kept me alive so long after everything. It kept me from pressing the knife further, from dragging it across my skin to feel that familiar burn.

   “Do you know I’m not the only one that loves you?” That one I wasn’t as sure of. The initial mark from the knife. A small bite made with large teeth, it burned more than it bled but it made me feel something other than the dread of my shitty situation. I kept the knife ready, just in case I mustered the courage to just end my suffering

   Like fate, or the universe telling me it was true, my phone vibrated on my bed. I was just curious enough to find out who was calling so I set down the knife and I crawled quietly to my bedside and I looked at the screen to see the perfect boy who promised to wait for me to get my shit together staring back at me. 

    “Hoseok,” I croaked, my voice hoarse from trying so hard not to cry.

    “Kyun, are you okay? You don't really look okay.” He said with one of those concerned smiles plastered on his beautiful lips.

    I thought for a few seconds, could I lie to him. I probably should have. Things might have been entirely different if I lied to him but I didn’t.

    “Not really, no,” I let out an uncomfortable laugh that sort of hurt my throat because it was raw from holding my breath to keep from crying and my lungs burned. I didn’t notice that before. My lungs felt like they were just inhaling the freshest clean air to ever exist after being in a dirty, damp place for far too long. The burn was almost excruciating.

    “May I come see you?” He asked with perfect fucking grammar and I Laughed that I even took notice but it was cute and it made me laugh and I swear it was that moment when I realized I could probably love him if I let myself. But I would have no choice but to learn how to let myself because it wasn’t something so easy for me to just happen without a great deal of effort.

    “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I said but it never dawned on me that he might be able to see the knife in the background because I left it on the floor near the wall where I was sat crying just moments before.

   “Are you sure, because that knife back there really looks like it needs someone to take it away from you,” he answered with a slight smile, like he was afraid that mentioning it might set me off and send me to a place I couldn’t come back from. And maybe that was the case most of the time but that time I looked at Hoseok with tears in my eyes and I said _Please,_ with a sharp exhale and the tears started falling from my eyes because I couldn’t stop them anymore.

   Then the sound of the key sliding into the lock on my door made me turn my head and Hoseok walked in when the doorknob turned and Joo looked on with concern in his eyes and Min ran in to grab the knife and ran back out just as fast. Hoseok looked at me with the most gentle expression and it occurred to me that he was outside my door, maybe the whole time and Joo didn’t say anything because he knew I would have spiraled if I knew but somehow everything felt like it was meant to be but I just sat there because I didn’t know what to do or how to respond to seeing the most perfect boy in the world right in front of me with a sad smile that I knew I caused. 

    “So you’re here already,” I said dryly but I looked up at him with a pleading expression that I could feel right down to my very soul.

    “I’m here. I don’t have to leave if you don’t want me to,” he answered as he sat on the edge of my bed. He was close enough for me to touch if I chose but far enough away that he wasn’t going to accidentally brush my arm with his leg as he adjusted himself. I laughed because I didn’t know how to take that, it was the nicest thing that only Joo ever knew to do. Because only Joo knew that it wasn’t contact I was afraid of but contact without my knowledge. I was okay with touching if I could see it happening.

    “Stay with me,” I said, my voice barely a whisper as I looked up at him with a sad smile of my own because somehow everything felt okay when Hoseok was beside me and I just didn’t understand it.

    “Do you want to talk about it,” he asked gently. Did I? I honestly wasn’t sure if I was even ready to face it but I knew I’d have to at some point if I ever wanted to get past it. My therapists did always say that I wasn’t getting better because I wasn’t letting myself. Because I didn’t want to be better. That moment I realized they were probably right about all of that and I hated them for it but really I just hated myself.

    “I should, shouldn’t I?”

    “Not if it’s too difficult. Not if it’ll cause more pain right now. We don’t even have to talk, we could just play a game or something. Maybe watch a movie,” he said, so softly and so genuinely I believed he didn’t want to push me.

    “How are you so perfect?” 

    “Perfect?” A crooked smile threatened to bloom on Hoseok’s lips. 

    Shit, I said that out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmu on twitter 💜 @PKayeMonbebe


End file.
